Climax, Michigan

It never gets old.

Albion

First roadside stop: Albion College. My undergrad alma mater.

Target Run. The Count-Down Is On.

I just returned from Target where I had to buy a few last minute items for the adventure that begins tomorrow.

First and foremost I needed some Minnesota appropriate bed-time wear:

I wanted to make sure we had everything we would need for our cross-mid-west road trip, so I purchased this deer warning thingy.  I'm not really sure if it to warn us of approaching deer, or to warn the deer we are coming.  Either way, it looked like an essential:

Later this woman who "claims" to be my grandma (I've asked her numerous times for a DNA test, but she has yet to find the time between her morning church tv and her afternoon stories to take one...) yelled at me when I asked if she needed help getting out of the car.  She gave me a disgruntled glance and screamed that she HAS (not had, HAS) the "body of a dancer":

MALL COPS - Suspicious Suitcase at Mall of America

In a further attempt to acclimate to Minnesotan life, Kyle (The Groom) suggested I watch "Mall Cops, Mall of America." For those of you who were NOT obsessed with going to the Mall of American in 6th grade, let me educate you on this shopping haven.  Although I have yet to fulfill that childhood dream, I've done extensive research: Although owned by a Canadian company, the Mall of America is the largest Mall in The United States. MOA (as the locals call it), houses not only a plethora of retail stores but also an indoor theme park.  The most recent addition to the theme park is a ride called "SpongeBob SquarePants Rock Bottom Plunge."  Although I can not explain exactly why, I feel like that is an inappropriate name for a childrens ride.

After watching the featured clip above, I have a couple of concerns:

First, the fact that Minnesotans think a suspicious suitcase is more terrifying than a visit from Sarah Palin has me a bit unsettled.  I would much rather sit in a room with a suitcase that may or may not blow up, than sit in a room with Sarah Palin, but hey, that's just me.

Second, the officer inspecting the suitcase claims he is looking for guns (ok I get that), knives (why go to the trouble of packing a suitcase full of knives, but still, ok) and body-parts.  Wait....  BODY-PARTS?! He says that so casually, like this is a common occurrence.  "Hi honey, how was your day?", "Oh you know, the usual.  Caught a couple shop lifters, told some kids to quiet down, rode my Segway, found some body-parts in a suitcase.  No biggie." 

My concerns regarding safety in this foreign land are growing by the minute.  What kind of place is this?!  I wish I could write more, but I suddenly feel the urge to research concealed weapon laws in Minnesota out of pure fear of ending up stuffed in a suitcase in the Mall of America next to Sarah Palin.

Lutefisk

It has come to my attention that "lutefisk" is a fish.  Therefore, I will NOT in fact be keeping it in my secret hidden travel money belt.  However, I may purchase a safe and keep the lutefisk in it so Ole and Lena stay the hell away from it.

Lutefisk is a traditional dish of the Nordic countries and parts of the Midwest United States.  It is made from stockfish (air-dried whitefish) or dried/salted whitefish (klippfisk) and lye.  Its name literally means "lye fish."

I really hope lutefisk is NOT the protein at the wedding dinner.

Safety First

After finding the startling and downright frightening picture in my last post of the baby wearing a onesie that stated Ole and Lena stole his/her "Lutefisk" I began to worry.  Is Minnesota that hard off and ridden with crime that Ole and Lena would literally steal from a baby?

I looked up the city of Clarks Grove, Minnesota where the wedding ceremony and reception are taking place.  As of the census of 2000, there were 734 people, 283 households, and 206 families residing in the city.  To top it off, about 1% are Irish.  Clearly the chances of Clarks Grove being riddled with crime are great.  I don't want MY lutefisk stolen.  I mean, I'm from the metro-Detroit area, so I'm pretty streetwise, but I think this might be above even my skill level.

Which brings me to my most recent purchase (I use to have one of these, but it was stolen): a hidden travel money belt.  I will be wearing it at all times and as soon as I figure out what this "Lutefisk" thing is and get myself one, I will be keeping it in my super top secret hidden travel money belt (featured below) and on my person at all times.  Got that Ole and Lena?  BACK OFF!

They think this is funny...

Apparently in Minnesota Ole & Lena jokes are all the rage.  I'd never heard of this Ole or Lena person so I took to my trusted wiki for an answer.

"Ole and Lena (also Sven and Ole) are central characters in jokes by Scandinavian Americans, particularly in the Upper Midwest region of the U.S., particularly in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, South Dakota and North Dakota where Scandinavian immigrant traditions are common."

Sounds harmless enough, so in an attempt to understand the sense of humor of these people I'll soon be surrounded by, I made it my goal for today to memorize at least 2 Ole and Lena jokes to use as my "opener" if I am surrounded by Minnesotans this weekend and don't know how to relate. 

"OLE AND Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little further now if you want to -" . . . so Ole drove to Duluth"

After finding that gem of a joke I took to google images to see if I could find a picture of either this Lena or Ole.  The results were startling and have left me hopeless for my goal of seamlessly blending into the people of Minnesota on my trip.

First of all I'm not Lutheran, which seems to be important:

And further more what the hell is a "Lutefisk"? (and how frightening for a baby)

Again, LUTEFISK?!!  I'm screwed. 

Crapple: From Chicago with Love

Crapple: A raffle of crap 
You may leave crapless...
You may leave full of crap...

Today I must prep my wedding present to Kyle and Katie.  For their wedding present they asked me to put together and run a game of "Crapple" during the reception.  For those of you who know what Crapple is, you know this is a huge honor. 

If you've ever lived in Chicago or been lucky enough to visit on the first weekend of a month, you should know what Crapple is.  If you haven't had the pleasure the rules are listed at the end of this post. 

Now I need some help with a big decision: What should Minnesota's VERY FIRST EVER* CRAPPLE GRAND PRIZE BE???

*This should not be taken as fact, I just like to believe that this will be the first Crapple in Minnesota.  I'm unemployed and living in my parents house, let me have this small pleasure.

Here are the candidates:

Or I could do the typical inflatable pool toy, such as this beauty won in 2007 (and about to board the train):

T-Shirt Contest Winner

Don't panic, there wasn't actually a contest (yet).  However, if there were to be a contest, this would totally win.

 

Say yah to da U.P., eh!

The Upper Peninsula contains almost one-fourth of the land area of Michigan but just three percent of its total population. Residents of the U.P. frequently identify themselves as Yoopers, while calling people living in the Lower Peninsula "trolls", because they live "under da bridge".  The Bridge being the only thing that connects the lower and upper peninsula of Michigan.  I've been told that Yoopers identify more with the people of Wisconsin and Minnesota, than with the trolls.  So I am taking some time to reflect on my experiences while traveling to the U.P.

I've deducted from my observations that the major industry in the U.P. is mosquito farming:

The most favored pass time of yoopers seems to be snow-swimming (since the land/water is covered with snow/ice for roughly 11 months of the year).  The man pictured below chose to partake in an all-to-common snow-swimming and skinny dipping combo.  Remembered: flippers and snorkel are required, swimsuit is optional. 

OMG

SPOILER ALERT: Was just informed that the Spam Museum is about half an hour away from the Minnesota wedding site.  I'm too excited to contain myself, add that to the top of the "to do" list.

Ann Arbor

Although I find his voice similar to a small yipping dog's incessant barks, Garrison Keillor often travels to Ann Arbor, Michigan to broadcast his NPR show, "A Prairie Home Companion".  APHC takes place in the fictional town of Lake Wobegon, and was first broadcast on Minnesota Public Radio.  Obviously, native Minnesotan Keillor must feel at home in Ann Arbor if he chooses to travel here so often, so in an attempt to pre-expose myself to Minnesota, I traveled to Ann Arbor.

Apparently the liberal city is home to many-a-protest, here are some pictures of just a typical day on the mid-west protest/rally circuit. 

I agree sir, waffles in fact are very delicious.

Especially if they are from the Midwest.

"Duck, duck, GRAY DUCK"...Excuse me?

Thanks to native Minnesotan, Katie, I now know how to properly play this beloved childhood game the Minnesota way and will not embarrass myself at her wedding when the inevitable "Duck, duck, gray duck" game breaks out. 

According to this article, research shows that Minnesota is the only state that "flat out refuses to use 'Goose'"


http://www.gray-duck.com/gray-duck/duck-article.jpg

Fargo Hookers

I plan on watching Fargo at least 3 times before my trip.

Uff da

My first phase of preparation for my upcoming travels will be to learn the language of this foreign land. Or at the very least, key words and phrases that will be important in finding my way around. Thanks to my dear friends Kyle and Katie (their wedding is the reason I will be traveling to Minnesota), I've been told the first phrase I must master is "Uff da". According to Wiki Uff da can also be spelled huffda, uff-da, uffda, uff-dah, oofda, ufda, ufdah, oofta or ufta. Uff da is an expression of Norwegian origin adopted by Scandinavian-Americans in the 1800s and is an exclamation of that is relatively common in the Upper Midwestern.

Uff da is a term for sensory overload. It can be used as an expression of surprise, astonishment, exhaustion, relief and sometimes dismay. For many, Uff da is an all-purpose expression with a variety of nuances, and covering a variety of situations.

Urban Dictionary was kind enough to provide several examples of Uff da use:
#1 (Person one) Did you hear about all the people in Haiti that have died..?
(person two) Yah, Uff da..

#2 Hey Lets go get an Uff Da Taco at the fair!

I think I am more confused now than I was before. An Uff Da Taco?  If you're a native Minnesotan please provide clarification in the comments section.

Preparation

Yep, it's true. I'm about to leave on an adventure of a life time. Final destination (for the week): MINNESOTA! . First though I'll take you all (and by all I mean the 1, maybe 2 if I'm lucky, people that will actually read this) through the days leading up to the big trip. I'll share with you my packing tips and tricks and steps I am taking to make sure I am able to immerse myself in the culture as soon as I get there. In order to do this, I will be reading up on the people and region which are foreign to me (since I've never been to Minnesota). I may even try to locate a person who actually grew up in Minnesota and see if they have any suggestions on how I can quickly acclimate myself while there so I can utilize every second of the 36 hours I will be there.